Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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