I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
