apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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