He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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