I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
