guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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