i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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