She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
