I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
is wine microwaveable?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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