I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
