Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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