apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
