I love black thongs
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
