And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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