This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
