If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
