yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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