wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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