yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
