I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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