My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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