I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
