I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
