Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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