Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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