I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
