the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
