my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
