chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
