Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
