drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
