Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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