My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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