I am spending my child support on dildos
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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