You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Every concussion has its silver lining
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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