Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
