so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
