Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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