Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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