OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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