Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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