I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
