what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
