Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
