your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
