Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
