New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i've created a new STD.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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