Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Randomize
