the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My feet surprised me
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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