I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
