If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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