the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
