I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize