I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
