Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
