As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
